Heavenly Haiku Wars
by Kant Newton
Summary: 7th Heaven characters *um* expressing themselves through Haikus..muahahaha www.angelfire.com/weird2/thwackage
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER: I own no one.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Haikus are fun.  This I know.  Parodying 7th Heaven characters is also fun.  This I know.  *lightning bolt*/*brainflash*  parodying 7th Heaven characters with haikus would be a lot of fun.

AUTHOR'S NOTE 2: This is the cast of characters, given in haiku form (5-7-5 syllables)

**Haiku Wars: Introduction of Characters**

**Ruthie**

Smarter than them all

They never listen to her

Must be adopted

**Mary**

Bold and beautiful

Has the brain of a pigeon

With a concussion

**Lucy**

Too many boyfriends

Even though she is whiny

With a chipmunk face

**Matt**

Long hair, funny beard

No college graduation

But now in med school

**Simon**

Believes he's a pimp

So needs to pluck his eyebrows

And stop his pouting

**Sam and David**

When we say they're twins

We really mean one person

Named Sam-and-David

**Annie**

Post-menopausal

And for that we are thankful

She'll stop having kids

**Eric**

Man of much great faith

If by faith you really mean

Secular wisdom

**Robbie**

Where did he come from?

He will soon metamorphize

into pseudo-Matt

**Kevin**

A piece of eye candy

Please take your shirt off again

And then stop talking

**Ben**

For my thought on Ben

See above, Kevin's haiku

And read the thing twice

**Roxanne**

Wants anything male

In what world is she a cop

And not desperate

**Happy**

Better trained, cuter

Than Sam-and-David, Ruthie

Smarter than Kevin

OKAY… TBC… in future chapters, we'll see two or more characters face off, haiku style.  Expect lots of making fun of Kevin for speaking haltingly, Lucy for whining, and Mary for being flighty.  I love these characters, but this season…

Please review if you'd like me to continue; otherwise, this will prob be a one time fic, and we'll all lose out on the haiku insults that await.

Flames are welcome so long as they contain at least three different words and are written as a haiku

If there's a character I've left out that you'd like to see, let me know.


	2. Mary vs Lucy

DISCLAIMER: I don't own them; I just use poetry to mock them.

CORRECTION:  Kevin's haiku last chapter should have read:

                        Piece of eye candy

                        Please take off your shirt again

                        And then stop talking

Thanks to everyone who noticed the original was not in perfect haiku form.  Special thanks to everyone who reviewed, especially those who did so in haiku form!

SUMMARY: Mary and Lucy face off

**Prologue**

Seeing those two fight

Using poetry at that

Would make us all smile

**Haiku Wars: Mary vs. Lucy**

**The Circumstance**

Lucy realizes

That Mary is attractive

And Kevin is male

**The ****Battle**** Begins**

I.

Lucy was shorter

But with the same sized bosom

Those things can't be real

II.

She walked to Mary

And sent her a chipmunk glare

And started whining

**Lucy's Song**

I.

"What is wrong with you?

How dare you be a female

Around my boy friend!

II.

"I can't deal with that

I do not have confidence

In my own appeal

III.

"While we are at it

Why are you a stewardess?

It just makes no sense."

**Mary's Song**

I.

"I hear all your words

but understanding is hard.

Where are all the boys?

II.

"It's not my fault if

all the boys love me, just me

even older guys

III.

"Please don't call me that

I prefer 'flight attendant'

I like my short skirt."

**Interlude**

I. 

Once upon a time

Mary was the smart Camden

What the heck happened?

II.

About Lucy's goals:

How can she be a preacher

Without faith, logic?

III.

Now I must compile

A list of their worst mistakes

In this haiku form

            i. 

            Mary had blonde hair

            Why? Ugly, horrid on her.

            What's wrong with brown hair?

            ii.

            Kissing Ben that once

            While (Arrrg!) engaged to Wilson

            Such a kissing ho

            iii.

            Do I even need 

            To talk about the school gym

            And that other stuff

            iv.

            Lucy's engagement

            What the heck was that about?

            Vicious plot bunnies!

**Lucy's Song II.******

I.

"Have you seen Roxanne?

She wants my boyfriend, like you!

Stop twirling your hair

II.

"Another problem

Ruthie is now twelve years old

And she's pretty too."

**Mary's Song II.**

I.

"You are insane, girl

and I am very pretty

I need say no more."

**Epilogue**

Paranoid Lucy

Burst into crocodile tears

Mary twirled her hair.

TBC…more haiku fun later, but only if you guys review!!!


	3. Kevin vs Ruthie

DISCLAIMER: I don't own them, I just make fun of them viciously using Japanese poetry.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and Kudos to anyone who reviewed in Haiku form.  I'm really pleased with the response this fic is getting so far.  Please keep reviewing, and I'll keep writing.

Heavenly Haiku Wars: Chapter Three

**Kevin vs. Ruthie**

**Prologue**

When fighting with words

Ruthie has a machine gun

Kevin, a pebble

**The Situation**

Kevin discovers

Ruthie eavesdropping on him

And then he gets mad

**Kevin's Song**

What have I told you

About spying on others?

It's bad, Ruthie, bad!

**Ruthie's Song**

I'm not a puppy

I'm surprised you're fully clothed

You never wear shirts

The spying issue

Is of no concern to you

Grandiosity.

**Interlude**

Kevin was confused

By Ruthie's use of big words

Just as she had meant.

He then scratched his head

And remarkably square jaw

What was going on?

**Kevin's Song II**

Officer Kevin,

I work for the police force

I am police man

**Ruthie's Song II**

Wow.  That's very nice.

You tell us that twice daily,

Mr. Badge for Brains

I have to notice

That you have just one stanza

As befits your "mind"

**Kevin's Song III**

Do you want me to arrest you?

**Ruthie's Song II**

I hate to tell you

That was so not a haiku

You friggin moron

**Interlude II**

The good-looking man

Flexed his muscles and then stripped

Off his collared shirt

Ruthie was not impressed

Kevin was angry with her 

But then they made up

They had to do so

Because they had to make up

In this episode

**TBC… more haiku goodness.****  Please review if you want me to write more!  I tend to be very lazy without proper incentive.**


	4. Happy vs SamandDavid

DISCLAIMER: I don't own them, I just satire them with Japanese Poetry.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm ba-ack.  Please review.  You get a gold star if you review in haiku form, and since every other Haiku War I could come up with featured Lucy, who we've already heard from, I settled on something a bit *odd* for this chapter.  Eventually, I'm thinking a Simon-Cecilia or a Roxanne-Chandler face off, but that's not set in stone.  Anyway, enjoy and please review, cause if ya do, I might update in a couple of days with the next chapter.

Heavenly Haiku Wars: Happy vs. Sam-and-David

**Prologue**

One is cute, furry

The other a trained monkey

Look who's talking now

**The Situation**

There is one cookie

But they all want to eat it

Battle of wits time

**Sam-and-David's Song**

Cookie cookie yay

Cookie cookie cookie yay

Cookie cookie yay

**Happy's**** song**

Pathetic humans

Your lack of telepathy

Sickens, saddens me

I may look fluffy

But not monosyllabic

The cookie is mine

**Interlude**

Sam-and-David chirp

Happily like a trained seal

From now called Samvid

Happy is by far

The smartest of the Camdens

Samvid has no chance

**Samvid's**** Song II**

I can echo stuff

When other people say it

Achoo, cookie, yay!!!

Oh, Oh, and brother

I can also say brother

But that's about it

**Happy's**** Song**

Look into my eyes

Hypnotic puppy dog eyes

Do my bidding now

**Interlude**

The shorter twin bows

The slower half of Samvid

To Happy's greatness

Then falls the taller

Out of words to echo, say

Sad: no more cookie

Happy eats the treat

And says then out loud

"Dance, my puppets, Dance."

And Puppet Samvid

Dances for the smart doggie

Who then rules the world.

TBC… I know that one was short and not ALL that funny, but please review and then I promise, a quality one involving most likely Cecilia or Roxanne… or maybe Cecilia AND Roxanne.  Nothing better than parodying two blondes.  Ooooh, or maybe Joy and Jimmy Moon, just because I didn't like either of them.  Anyway, moral of the story, review and I will make more haikues.


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